The Bad Habit That's Taking You AND Your Girlfriends Down
Recently, I received an email from a gal on my email list that STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS.
She asked...
"What am I supposed to say when a woman says something like 'I have to cover up my arms because I hate the way they look... my skin is like crape paper.'
My response is usually...'I can only imagine what you think of my skin!'
Then I feel like I should cover up... like not wear bare legs with short skirts. I know it's stupid, but it really bugs me. Don’t women realize when they say things like that, that they are shitting on other women?!"
My answer was… No, no they don't.
This Q has been rolling around inside my brain for a week! When that happens I know that it’s time to dig in. Truth is, everywhere I turn, women are shitting on themselves without realizing the devastating impact it has on other women.
I've done it. You've done it. We've all done it.
I legit used to think that when I shamed myself, it was alllllllll about me, and only me. I had standards, dammit, and I wasn't meeting them. I was always clear that MY standards were mine alone, and that they didn't need to be YOUR standards too. I was so indignant in my thinking, that I'd say... if my words offend you, that's YOUR work, not mine.
🙄🙄🙄
Talk about SHORT SIGHTED.
I mean, where in hell did MY standards come from anyway?? THEY CAME FROM OTHER WOMEN SHAMING THEMSELVES, AND ME TAKING NOTES LIKE IT WAS MY FULL TIME JOB.
When you insult yourself OUT LOUD, you are planting SEEDS OF SHAME in the hearts and minds of those who hear you.
Gals, this is a sneaky little habit that's totally on us... as women, as friends, as moms, as daughters.
No blaming this one on the "beauty industry", "mean girls" or "the Man".
We gotta own this one. And then we gotta STEP OUT OF IT.
Imagine for a second, that you and I are hanging out, and over the course of a few hours I say...
I look terrible today. I'm sorry you have to see me this way.
I didn't go for a walk today, so I'm going to pass on dessert.
I wish I could wear shorts, it's so hot out. But I can't... not with THESE legs.
It's finally summer! I gotta lose 10 pounds so I can take my kids to the beach!
Each of these "insults", against my-own-damn-self, is me, stating loud and clear, what the "standard acceptable requirement" is for good woman-ing.
Sure as shiitake mushrooms, you're taking notes...
Looking "terrible" is unacceptable. Got it. Must apologize.
Dessert has to be earned. No walk means no dessert. Got it.
Legs have to LOOK a certain way if you want to wear shorts. Got it. But wait.... her legs are "better" than my legs. SHIT, what must she think of MY legs?
Your body has to be a certain size to go to the beach. Got it.
THESE are the seeds-of-shame we plant IN OTHERS when we insult ourselves.
Now imagine this scenario instead...
You walk in and I don't insult my appearance. In fact, when you comment on my wild-messy hair, I say "ha, it's what LIVING looks like today", and I smile.
I eat dessert without comment or caveat, enjoying every bite.
It's hotter than a cannon outside, so I'm wearing shorts, like it ain't no thang
I say to you, PACK YOUR BAG, let's grab the kids and go swimming!
Instead of planting seeds-of-shame in your heart and mind... I just handed you a PERMISSION SLIP to STEP INTO LIVING!
Permission to look how you look, without apology.
Permission to eat food that you enjoy, without justifying it.
Permission to wear whatever you want, whenever you want.
Permission to BE IN YOUR TODAY-BODY, without needing to change a damn thing.
Gals, this is BIGGER than permission. It's INSPIRATION.
YOU have the power to INSPIRE every single woman you interact with WHEN YOU STOP SHITTING ON YOURSELF.
My sister asked for a "comeback" to these "shitty" situations, and I say, FORGET ABOUT A COMEBACK, and put your energy into THIS instead:
STOP APOLOGIZING for being a woman with a woman's body
Let go of what other people think of you
Wear what you want to wear when you want to wear it (this takes GUTS!)
Decide how YOU want to LIVE YOUR LIFE, and start taking little, imperfect steps BEFORE YOU'RE READY
practice compassion, for the gal shitting on herself, and for YOURSELF, because this is HARD WORK, and we all slip from time to time
MODEL what you want to see.
Five years ago, I was participating in this SHAME-GAME, because I didn't realize THE GAME WAS RIGGED against me. But now, I know better, so I do better.
If YOU are still stuck in the shame-game, and wanna find your way out, I can help. THIS is the work of Style School. Because when you're sitting in a virtual room with 40 other SMART, BEAUTIFUL, GUTSY WOMEN, who've also been taken down by the shame-game, you realize how rigged the system is against you, and you COMMIT, TOGETHER, to finding a new way.
xo Stasia
PS. I’d be MEGA psyched to know you’re pinning this on Pinterest to spread the message! Mwah!