Why Style Is Not Petty or Superficial
In a Pinterest and Instagram world, obsessed with looks and image, it’s no wonder many of us fall for the assumption that style is petty and superficial.
You know, deep down, that all that glitters is not gold, and there’s more to someone than meets the eye.
Interestingly, though, when I ask the women who sheepishly roll into Style School WHY they are here, their replies hit me straight in the gut.
In other words? Their reasons are DEEP… the absolute, polar opposite of shallow. Lemme show you what I mean:
"I try to emulate what others wear, but it doesn't reflect MY inner essence, so it's never quite right. I want a style that reflects MY personality."
"After the birth of my daughter and some serious weight gain, I was left wondering WHO AM I, and how in heck do I dress myself."
"I want to look in the mirror again, and like the person looking back."
"I feel like I’ve lost myself along the way (kids), and I'm ready to find out WHO I AM again."
"I've done a lot of heart and soul work in the last few years, and I want my outside to reflect my inside."
"I'm turning 60 this year, and I want my life to be about ME and MY choices, not what I think everyone else wants for me."
"I'm ready to stop hiding behind my clothes. I want my wardrobe to say THIS IS ME."
"I'm often frustrated… not BEING ME and not SHOWING UP."
"There’s an identify confusion - WHO AM I?"
"How am I supposed to know what MY style is? It's easy to default to old clothes I've worn forever that no one will notice. But I'm sick of that. I'm sick of discomfort. I'm sick of feeling unsure of WHO I AM."
WHOA, right?
Any of that sound petty or superficial to you?
Or is it the damn opposite? TRUTH, HONESTY and VULNERABILITY.
Were you nodding along, saying YES YES YES? Me too!
Here’s what I know to be true:
The most beautifully curated closet in the world will feel like a complete farce if it isn't a reflection of your YOU-NESS. (Ain’t nobody feeling fresh while faking a farce.)
STYLE does NOT MEAN “fitting in”. It does not mean “dressing in a way that impresses others”. It does not mean “fake it till you make it”.
Personal STYLE is showing up in the world feeling so deeply connected to yourself, that your outsides? What people see? Is a TRUE reflection of WHO YOU ARE on the inside. It’s a knowing so great, so deep, so profound, that hiding becomes an impossibility.
I call this Inside-Out Congruency, and lemme tell you, connecting your insides with your outsides is big, deep work.
There’s nothing superficial about finding the courage to really KNOW yourself, and SHOW yourself.
Our old nemesis, the “beauty” industry, perpetuates the myth that style happens on the outside, because that’s what SELLS. The intrinsic fear you and I have of not “fitting in” drives us to shell out the shillings!
Fear drives spending. And the beauty industry is one of the most profitable markets in the world. Make no mistake, you’re no dummy for buying what they’re selling. You’re wired for connection. A deep, true longing, that will not be satiated by anything other than true connection.
Unfortunately, when what you’re buying is about how to “fit in” you’ll find yourself starving, and then return to the same seller, and buy the whole damn thing again. You’ll drift further and further from the anchor of your soul, and turn all of the anger and blame onto your body. If it’s not working for you, YOU must be the problem.
WRONG.
Here’s the realio dealio: Personal style is about belonging completely to yourself, first and foremost, and THAT is the magic door that opens you for true connection and belonging with others.
Let's look at my daughter, Raisa, for a minute, so we can truly understand the difference between "fitting in" and "belonging".
Raisa is a bowtie wearing, blazer sporting, pattern mixing little turkey that I couldn't imagine any other way. Before she knew about the conventional rules of what a girl is "supposed" to wear, she intuitively KNEW herself.
I wanted to protect her, to help her "fit in" with the other girls, but she KNEW better than I did, what it felt like to be herself.
When she wore the tunics and headbands that I encouraged her to wear, her confidence tanked, and she lost the sure footing of knowing herself, what she liked, and what she wanted.
But when she SHOWS UP, eyes forward, shoulders back, in her body, wearing the clothes that FEEL right for her... she’s grounded. She knows exactly who she is. No pretense. No shame. No HIDING.
And BECAUSE she said NO, THANK YOU to fitting in... she knows what it means to BELONG.
To BELONG is to feel LOVED for WHO YOU ARE, not for who you are pretending to be.
Why would I want to teach Raisa to let go of herself in order to fit in?!
It’s a simple answer: I didn’t know another way. I didn't know WHO IN HELL I WAS.
And what does one do when she doesn’t know WHO she is?
She choses safety. She looks around, finds a way to blend in, stay neutral, not stand out. She hides the complexity of who she is, and suffocates herself in fleece, khakis, and sensible brown shoes.
Yea… I’m talking about me.
I let my role, the things I loved to do, and the people who “made the style rules for those roles and activities” dictate the way I should dress myself.
And I felt disconnected from my truest self. Small. Dim.
Here’s what I’ve learned to be true: WHO I AM and HOW I WANT TO FEEL is my TRUE north star, guiding me deeper into myself, and in the process, opening my heart up for true connection with others. How I present myself to the world has nothing to do with my “station” in life, and everything to do with my soul.
Here's what I want you to do...
Ask yourself WHO AM I? Grab a pen and paper and write, write, write until your fingers hurt. Come up with a list of words (NOT ROLES) that describe WHO YOU ARE. If this isn’t WHO you want to be, then my guess is that it’s a false self, in other words, who you became when you lost the truth of yourself… and it doesn’t FIT anymore. You’ve outgrown it. If that’s the case for you, ask yourself WHO AM I LONGING TO BE? Odds are that’s the REAL you, ready to be seen by you first, and set free!
Take that list of words, and narrow it down to the top 5 words that make your soul-fire sing.
Go to your closet, and see what you have that connects you to those words/feelings.
In other words, if one of your words is BRAVE, then go through your shirts, try them on, and see if any of them make you FEEL BRAVE. Try on your earrings, necklaces, boots, and headscarves, and ask yourself... DOES THIS MAKE ME FEEL BRAVE?
Do it over and over again. Find those things. Use your closet to help connect you to WHO YOU ARE.
It takes work. It takes practice. It takes guts.
That's why I created Stasia's Style School. It’s a framework from which to practice stepping into your you-ness, with a built-in sisterhood of women who are on the same transformative journey. It’s equal parts inspiration, motivation, and accountability. And there are lessons. OH, THE LESSONS!!!
I run Style School a few times a year. Style School is a FULLY SUPPORTED course, with an (off Facebook) Community . You will not walk this journey alone.
We’re wired for true connection, and we heal in community. When you bear witness to another woman's story and SEE her beauty, you’ll begin to SEE your own true-self, your own unique, BEAUTY-full offering to the world.
xo Stasia
PS. Here's what Style School alum, Lewanda, has to say about fitting-in versus belonging.
"I‘ve worn a pretty costume most all my life. I accepted it early so it felt like it was me. By being pleasing and quiet, pretty and good, loyal and dependable, I stayed mid-pack. I had a happy face, but my costume was too tight and not right. In Stasia’s Style School I found my truth, my spark, my power, and my light. I love being ME. I love being Free. I live with pride and gratefulness to be 66, untethered, strong, healthy, and beautiful. I cherish my SSS sisterhood. There I find radical acceptance and a playground of vulnerability, connection, and pride that evokes me to express more and more of who I am every day.