How to Stop Objectifying Yourself, and start Experiencing Yourself
Have you ever gotten dressed, FELT AMAZING, and then looked in the mirror and thought, “Ugh. What the hell was I thinking? This looks terrible!”
Or how about this one…
You got dressed, looked in the mirror, and thought… DAMN I LOOK GOOD! So for the first time in a long time, you jumped into a few photos with your kids. You are smiling and giggling and feeling so proud of yourself because you’ve done a lot of “self love” work to get yourself here! A few minutes later, you look at the photos, and you’re hit by a tsunami of shame. You haaaaaaate every single photo. You DO NOT look good. In fact, you look BAD. And now you’re pissed at the mirror for lying to you. And that great moment you just haD??? Well, it’s ruined.
I’m giggling as I write this because of course this has happened to you. If not this scenario, then something similar.
Something like…
You feel good. But look bad in the mirror.
You look good in the mirror. But look bad in a photo.
You feel bad. But shockingly, you look good in the mirror.
You look bad in the mirror. But look good in a photo.
You feel good. But then somebody says you look bad.
You *think* you look good. But nobody says anything. So maybe you look bad?
You feel bad. Don’t have time to change. And everybody says you look good.
It’s so confusing. It’s like a game you can’t win, no matter how hard you try.
We want there to be consistency. We want guaranteed results. We want to know WHO/WHAT we can trust. Is it our cameras? Our mirrors? Our brains? Our pictures?
And I’m here to tell you… You’re asking the wrong questions.
It’s less, “Who/What can I trust?”, and more, “Why is this so damn confusing, anyway?"
The answer is simple.
Eurocenetric Beauty Standards.
You’re probably thinking, “No way. Not me. I don’t give two shits about eurrrrocentric BEAUTY STANDARDS, whatever that means. There has to be a more logical explanation.”
I get it. I like to think I’m above/beyond beauty standards too.
But here’s the thing. Beauty gets us things. GOOD THINGS. Like jobs, pay raises, partners, the-benefit-of-the-doubt, promotions, better tables at a restaurant, equity + justice, quality health care, assumed intelligence, etc.
The more beautiful you are, the more social capital you have.
It’s unfair. And it’s true.
Nobody had to teach that to you. You learned it as a kid. By watching.
I sure did. Every time I saw somebody get publicly or privately teased or ridiculed or shamed for having cellulite, stretch marks, a double chin, wrinkles, scars, a fat belly, acne, facial hair, sagging boobs, pubic hair (that shows), yellow teeth, and thick thighs, I learned that THOSE characteristics would make me more vulnerable to criticism, judgment, staring, and invisibility.
As a kid, I am biologically wired toward SAFETY + SURVIVAL, so it’s in my DNA to learn the rules of the game.
If thin = safety (for example) then I’m gonna wanna be thin. Not because I think thin is better. But because YOU DO (the grown-ups around me), and my safety + survival is dependent on YOU accepting me.
In order for me to “play the game,” I have to STOP experiencing myself, and START objectifying myself, because how else am I gonna know if I’m measuring up?!
Self objectification is a LEARNED behavior. And when you’re a kid trying to find your way in the world, it’s a brilliant strategy to ensure your acceptance, your approval, your safety, your survival.
And guess what, you're not a kid anymore. You get to stop objectifying yourself, and start experiencing yourself.
Instead of seeking safety and approval outside of you (like you NEEDED to do when you were a kid), you get to seek safety and approval INSIDE OF YOU.
Amazing, right?!
Let me walk you through an example of how I do this.
I’m at the thrift store, looking for new jeans. I find a pair that I *think* might fit. I take them to the fitting room, try ‘em on, and immediately fall in love with them. They feel so good on my body. They fit in all the right places (no waist gap!) and I can move freely in them. I quickly turn toward the mirror, and my heart sinks. I can feel it in my chest. SHAME. Tears come to my eyes. All I can see are my THICK THIGHS. They’re so BIG. Ugh. Disgusting. These jeans look terrible on me.
See how I went from EXPERIENCING MY BODY one minute, to OBJECTIFYING MY BODY the next?
Remember that list of “bad things” I shared earlier? THICK THIGHS are on that list. And because there’s a part of me that’s still operating from that old paradigm (this shit runs deep), all the alarms in my body kick in.
So I’ve got 3 CHOICES.
1. I can FOLLOW THAT SINKING FEELING, rip off the jeans in a fit of tears, and blame my body. (Been there, done that.)
2. I can IGNORE THAT SINKING FEELING, disconnect from my body, and buy the damn jeans because they’re “good enough”, and then hope to hell those feelings don’t sneak up and bite me in the ass when I least expect it. (PS. They totally will and it will be horrible and there’s a good chance I will never wear those jeans.)
3. I can TEND TO THAT SHAMEFUL FEELING IN MY CHEST through gentle touch, and remind myself that I’m the grown-up now, and my safety and security is no longer dependent on the approval of others. I can look around the fitting room and see that I’m okay. I can close my eyes and EXPERIENCE myself in those jeans all over again. I can notice how relaxed my belly and shoulders feel. And then I can introduce my relaxed belly and shoulders to that SHAMEFUL FEELINGS in my chest. I can pendulate between those two feelings, allowing the good feelings in my belly and shoulders to support the shameful feelings in my chest. And then I can go ahead and buy those damn jeans, because I LOVE THEM ON ME!
I’ll take what’s behind Door #3, thank you very much.
Will “the world” continue to objectify me? Yea, probably.
But guess what? WE ARE THE WORLD.
If you don’t want to be objectified, STOP OBJECTIFYING YOURSELF. Because honestly, MOST of the objectification you feel on a day-to-day basis begins and ends with you.
This right here… THIS is the work of Style School.
I love (LOVE!!) teaching women how to EXPERIENCE THEMSELVES as WHOLE HUMANS with INCREDIBLE BODIES! Because no matter what you see in the mirror or in a photo, I can guarantee you this... YOUR BODY IS NOT THE PROBLEM.
Once you learn how to FIND SAFETY INSIDE YOUR OWN BODY, and stop looking for approval outside yourself, then WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE matters far less than WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE. And ironically, the confidence that comes when you LOVE HOW YOU FEEL is just about the MOST BEAUTIFUL THING a woman can ever wear.
Eurocentric Beauty Standards don't hold a candle to COURAGE, CONFIDENCE, and CONGRUENCY.
I run Style School a few times a year. If you wanna learn how to stop objectifying yourself, and start experiencing yourself, then sign up for my emails and I’ll let you know the dates for the next session, and I’ll see you in there!
xo Stasia
PS. If you've got a bestie or an aunt or a sissy or a buddy who struggles every time they SEE themselves, I invite you to share this blog post with them. The moment I stop objectifying myself is the moment I stop (consciously or unconsciously) objectifying you. We are all in this together. When I heal myself, I love BOTH OF US more.