My Commitment to Being Antiracist.

(Artwork by Candice Cox of Candid Art)

I remember the day I realized that racism was inside of me. It was January 11, 2003.

I was living in the state of Maine, which at the time, was 97% white. 

Lewiston, Maine, a predominately white Christian community, was home to a growing Black, Muslim Somali refugee population. The then-Mayor, Larry Raymond, had asked Somali residents to discourage their friends and family from moving to Lewiston, saying "our city is maxed-out financially, physically and emotionally."

This made national news.

A small white supremacist group planned a demonstration on Saturday, June 11th, 2003, to denounce the presence of the Somali immigrants in Lewiston. In response, a Diversity Rally was planned - same day, same time - to support the Somali refugees. 

In a fit of righteous anger, I got in my car and went to my first ever Diversity Rally. I was going to stand up to racism. 

When I got to the rally, I felt alone and afraid. 

I had never been in the presence of so many Black and Brown people. For the first time in my life I wasn't in the majority. The unease I felt in my body scared me. 

Fuck. There it was. Racism.

I was ashamed. I hated that it was inside of me, and wanted to do something about it.

So that day, I decided to join the Peace Corps. 

I wanted to travel to Africa or Asia or South/Central America...  anywhere that wasn't white. I wanted to LIVE in the presence of POC so that I could experience what it felt like to be a minority. I naively thought that this would rid me of the racism I had inside of me from growing up white, in a white town, in a white state, in a racist family, in the United States of America.

I was assigned to Moldova. A VERY WHITE Eastern European country. 

Shoot.

The minute I arrived in Moldova, and was placed in my village, I became deeply aware of my privilege. I was treated like a celebrity... not because of anything I did or said or thought or believed. I was treated like a celebrity because I was a white woman from America. 

PRIVILEGE:  a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.

This privilege wasn't something I earned or deserved or was granted based on anything virtuous. It was something I got just because I was a certain color from a certain country. It was white supremacy in action, with a little nationalism thrown in.  

I joined the Peace Corps to get the racism out of me. And learned about white privilege instead.

After two years in Moldova, I came back to Maine, got pregnant, and moved to Vermont. 

Maine + Vermont are the two whitest states in the country. 

I went to Black Lives Matters protests. I felt outrage when I read about another senseless killing of another Black human. I watched "Twelve Years a Slave" and cried my eyes out. I traveled with my kids to big cities and indigenous lands, so they could SEE beyond White America. I read books by black authors.

My white privilege said that was all I could do. And it’s bullshit.

This week, I have learned that I have not been a true ally to the BIPOC community. 

"An ally is someone from a nonmarginalized group who uses their privilege to advocate for a marginalized group. They transfer the benefits of their privilege to those who lack it."

This is a quote from an article written by Holiday Philips for Medium entitled, "Performative Allyship is Deadly (Here's What to do Instead)". 

Sure, I have been AWARE of racism. But I have not used my privilege (or my platform) to advocate for the BIPOC community. I have not transferred the benefits of my privilege to the BIPOC community. I have not used my privilege to fight against systemic and systematic racism in this country.

This spring I read bell hooks' book, "All About Love", and learned something PROFOUND. 

"To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the world in this matter automatically assumes accountability and responsibility."

Wait. LOVE is an action... not just a feeling?

I've spent months thinking about this within the context of my marriage. And within the context of the relationship I have with my today-body. But I had NEVER thought of it within the context of RACE. 

Until last week.

I have spent the last 8 days obsessively reading and listening, reading and listening, reading and listening.

I learned about red-lining on the podcast, Code Switch. 
I learned about the history of policing on the BBC. 
I learned about racialized historical trauma from Resmaa Menakem.
I learned about white fragility from Rachel Cargle on the Call Your Girlfriend podcast. 

I am committed to learning MORE so I can DO more. 

I am behind. I know I am behind. I have a lot of catching up to do. 

This will not happen in a week, or a month, or a year. I feel humbled, realizing how much work I - and all white people - have to do.

Anti-racism isn't something you study for a week and then you're healed.

It isn’t something you get rid of because you posted a black square on Instagram.

It isn’t something you can wring out of your bones because you traveled somewhere culturally diverse, or because you cried during a movie, or because you read a book, or because you took your kids to a museum about Native American history. 

Anti-racism is a life-long practice of actively combating racism.

“If racism means both racist action and inaction in the face of racism, then antiracism means active participation in combating racism in all forms.”  Ibram X. Kendi

Because of white privilege, we white people don’t have to be anti-racist. We have to choose to be anti-racist.

I'll leave you with this... 

"It seems to be so hard for white women to accept that they are both oppressed by the patriarchy just as all women are but they're also oppressors to black women and black communities as a part of a country that was built on white supremacy."  Rachel Cargle

I am committed to learning and choosing HOW to be a better ally to the BIPOC community. I am committed to learning how to center and empower Black lives from where I stand and from where I am starting. I am committed to learning from, and amplifying voices of Black women who speak at the intersectionality of race and womanhood.

I. Am. Committed. 

xo Stasia