My Clothes Are NOT The Problem
When your closet doesn’t feel like YOU, the solution isn’t to ignore it. It’s learning how to reimagine the stuff you already own in new ways.
Read MoreIt’s time to TAKE OUR ATTENTION BACK
How many times a day do you pick up your phone? How many of those phone pick-ups were necessary (ie. I need to make a phone call), versus how many were driven by impending boredom and a guaranteed dopamine hit (ie. I want to check Instagram). If these companies can KEEP ME HOOKED, they can sell my attention to advertisers. It’s time to TAKE OUR ATTENTION BACK, sisters.
Read MoreNobody Owes Me Clean Streets
I took a thing that was driving me bananas EVERY SINGLE DAY, and I turned it into something that makes me feel lucky as hell AND earns me cold hard cash.
When I was stuck in blame, I felt helpless.
When I turned it around and made it my problem, I found a solution.
Celebrating Brand New Parts of You
In other words, I am consciously and intentionally updating my brain's memory archives. In real time! By breaking this one memory down into a dozen (or more!) mini-memories, and then attaching each of those mini-memories to a feeling, I've stacked the swimming-in-ice-cold-water-IS-PLEASURABLE memories in my favor!
Read MoreThe Most WILD Experience of My Life
It’s hard and scary to meet a BRAND-NEW part of you. My brain shifted away from thinking something was happening TO ME, to wondering if something was happening FOR ME.
Read MoreYOU Are The Golden Thread
And do you know what I realized... PERSONAL STYLE isn't categorical. It doesn't live inside any one box (preppy, classy, outdoorsy, hippy, etc.). PERSONAL STYLE is a reflection of who I am on the inside. And who I am on the inside is complex, dynamic, ever-changing, and sometimes even contradictory!
AND THAT'S TOTALLY NORMAL!
If I don't want my clothes to feel like a costume, then I have PAY ATTENTION to how I feel, and how I want to feel.
It's an INSIDE JOB! And I AM THE GOLDEN THREAD!!
Read MoreHow to Stop Objectifying Yourself, and start Experiencing Yourself
Once you learn how to FIND SAFETY INSIDE YOUR OWN BODY, and stop looking for approval outside yourself, then WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE matters far less than WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE. And ironically, the confidence that comes when you LOVE HOW YOU FEEL is just about the MOST BEAUTIFUL THING a woman can ever wear.
Read More
How I Get Beach Body Ready.
I'm going to the beach next week.
Sea. Sunshine. Sand.
And body shame??
Nope. Not for this girl.
I've been doing this BODY LOVE work for a long time, but whenever I put on my bathing suit for the first time in 6 months, I feel... exposed, naked, vulnerable. Not only that, but my end-of-summer body is NEVER the same as my mid-winter-body, so me and my body gotta get to re-know each other a little bit.
That takes PRACTICE.
So today, I'm wearing my bathing suit around the house. To do housework. And to work at my computer.
Click the Instagram video below to see how I get myself Beach Body ready. BE SURE TO TURN UP THE VOLUME!!
Just me. My body. My kitties. My sourdough. And the toilet bowl brush.
DOING really good body things.
Any shame I feel is ALL MINE, and I get to sit tenderly with it. To breathe through it. To remind myself that I am SAFE.
The world is gonna do what the world is gonna do.
But my safety... it starts INSIDE OF ME.
So I'm cultivating it. Right now. Before I go.
So that when I get to that beach, I can ENJOY being in my body. And not worry about getting all stuck up inside my head, thinking shame-thought after shame-thought about how my body doesn't "measure up." Because truth is, I've got a GOOD BODY that does GOOD BODY things.
I mean, I'm not sure there is a person in this world that can double-sock-helicopter OR high-kick as well as me.
xo Stasia
PS. I want to invite you to SHARE THIS POST WITH YOUR FRIENDS! One, that video is funny as hell, and will be sure put a smile on their face. And two, this whole "practice in your bathing suit before you go to the beach" tip is pretty friggin smart.
Cuff it. Pop it. Fold it. Tuck it. Knot it. Layer it. Accessorize it.
Wanna know the quickest way to CHANGE THE ENERGY of your outfit?
Cuff it. Pop it. Fold it. Tuck it. Knot it. Layer it. Accessorize it.
It's true.
Whenever I put something on that gives me those lazy, frumpy, heavy, boring, invisible feelings, I don't let me brain jump to -- If only my belly was smaller, my hips were narrower, my boobs were bigger, THEN I'd feel happy.
No way! My body is a good body that does good body things, and it does NOT need "fixing" for me to feel good in my clothes. That's diet-industry BS and it's just not true.
(Your brain will OF COURSE cling to those body-shaming thoughts like it's the truthiest-truth of all if you don't give your brain any other thoughts to think! Once I trained my brain to pivot to the –– pop it, cuff it, fold it, tuck it, knot it, pop it, layer it, accessorize it –– thoughts, and then TOOK ACTION, I all of sudden stopped defaulting to "my body must be the problem" because I knew it wasn't!
EXAMPLE 1.
When I first tried this sweatshirt on in the thrift store, I thought, "No way, this feels too frumpy. I don't like the length, the sleeves are too long, and the collar is wayyyyy too... grandpa." But then I front-tucked the sweatshirt, cuffed the sleeves, popped the collar and I was in business! I paid for it, brought it home, added a few accessories, and shazam! I felt dynamic, alive, energetic, freeeeeee!
EXAMPLE 2.
When I first put this combo together, I felt all kinds of doughty. So I cuffed my jeans, front-tucked my shirt, rolled my shirt sleeves over my sweater sleeves, popped my collar, and accessorized. What a difference! I felt spunky, fresh, alive and buoyant.
EXAMPLE 3.
You can't get more classic than jeans and a flannel, but dang, wearing 'em plain sure drags my energy down. So, I layered on some sequins (tucked of course!), knotted my shirt, popped my collar, rolled my sleeves cuffed my jeans, and accessorized. SEVEN MOVES. In one outfit. What a difference.
EXAMPLE 4.
Somedays, I just don't feel like wearing hard-pants. Ya feel me? But that doesn't mean I wanna throw in the towel and feel uninspired all day long. I STILL wanted to feel capable and smart, so I paired my leggings with a button down shirt (I surprised myself with THAT move), layered on a denim jacket, popped both collars, rolled my shirt sleeves OVER my denim jacket sleeves, and then accessorized. Oooo geez I felt capable and smart!
Now, it's your turn! Here's what I want you to do!
1. Grab a stickie note and write down: Cuff it. Pop it. Fold it. Tuck it. Knot it. Layer it. Accessorize it.
2. Put that stickie note on your mirror, and tomorrow morning (or afternoon - no judgement here) when you get dressed, go through this list and see if you might try out a new move or three or seven.
These are UNIVERSAL MOVES that EVERY BODY can enjoy. But be forewarned.
The second you dare try a new move, your brain will try to convince you that you can't "get away with it" or that "this move is only for gals with THIS kind of body," and it's not true. Your brain doesn't like new moves, because it can't immediately categorize it as being "socially safe" without any prior experience to draw from. Totally normal. Tell your brain you're okay. Give yourself a hug. And TRY ANYWAY.
If you tried this move before, and got teased, your brain will FREAK OUT. Or even if you saw someone try this move before, and you saw THEM get teased, your brain will still freak out. Vicarious style-trauma is a thing. Your brain thinks the move isn't socially safe, so it'll insult you up one side and down the other as a way of protecting you. (Oh, the irony.) Totally normal. Tell your brain you're okay. That you're safe. And then TRY ANYWAY.
If your brain slings insults at you, don't confuse that with "not congruent." If something isn't congruent, you'll notice, you'll feel a little meh, and you'll move on, no harm no fowl. If your brain throws even ONE insult at you... that's shame. DO NOT CONFUSE SHAME with "this just isn't my style."
Before I wrap this up, I wanna make sure you wrote those moves down on a stickie note and stuck 'em on your mirror. Did you?? (If you did, hit CLICK HERE, and tell me YOU DID IT! That way I can write you back and say… WAY TO GO!)
As the late bell hooks said, "To begin by thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility."
Love is an ACTION. Accountability. Responsibility. that's it, right there.
xo Stasia
Is this FLATTERING?
Who do YOU get dressed for?
Before you answer, "Me, of course!", I have a question for you.
Have you EVER asked yourself - your partner - your girlfriend - a stranger in the fitting room, "Is this... FLATTERING?"
Because if you have... then you're not getting dressed for you.
Flattering (noun) - full of praise or compliments
Flattering is code for -- Does this make me look smaller, longer, leaner, firmer than I actually am?
And it's no wonder, given the fat-phobic society we live in, where thinness is praised and complimented, and fatness, well, you know what they say about fat people.
(insert serious eye-roll)
Every time I ask –– IS THIS FLATTERING –– I am complicit in the upholding of a patriarchal + racist system that idealizes SOME bodies, at the expense of all other bodies. Which, let me be clear, benefits exactly NOBODY.
The closer you are to the ideal, the more privilege you have. And damn that privilege feels good. The praise! The compliments! All those shops that carry clothes in your size! (This is only the tip of the iceberg.) Except that position is tenuous. And you know it. Because like it or not, there is always somebody with a better body than you. And it's just a matter of time before a) your body changes and b) the rules of the game change. Eventually, you will slip further and further away from today's definition of ideal (it could all be different tomorrow), and so too will your self-worth.
Gals, THE SYSTEM IS RIGGED AGAINST US. And something as simple as, "Does this dress look flattering on me?" is what keeps us in line.
If your body is feeling ACTIVATED hearing my say that there's a 100% chance you're complicit in upholding this bullshit, fat-phobic system, I GET IT. Me too.
We're GOOD PEOPLE who have been swimming in the toxic messaging of the diet industry since before we could walk. Our mamas were ashamed of their bodies. And their mamas were ashamed of their bodies. (That's called intergenerational body shame, and it's a real thing.) Maybe they weren't always ashamed, because they were lucky enough to sit in that privileged seat for a while. But eventually, their bodies changed AND the rules changed, and their self-worth slipped right through their fingers.
Being complicit in this BULLSHIT SYSTEM isn't your fault. But it is your RESPONSIBILITY to find your way out of it.
The slickest, most brilliant way to break this broke-ass system is to get real clear on what you ACTUALLY BELIEVE. Because you can't un-believe something you don't know you believe!
The quest for FLATTERING bypasses our beliefs, which is awfully clever, because if we KNEW we believed this shit, women the world over would start a g'damn revolution!
So instead of asking, "Is this outfit flattering?" or "Do these pants make my butt look big?" ask yourself a different question. Like this: "How does this outfit make me FEEL?"
EXAMPLE:
Q. How does this outfit make me feel?
A. Groovy, strong, sexy, bold. Whew. It's scary to say that out loud. I don't think I'd dare wear this in public! It feels like... TOO MUCH!
GOOD DATA! What does TOO MUCH even mean? And let's think back to a time when you thought somebody was TOO MUCH. What thoughts did you think about them that you're afraid somebody might think about you?
Q. How does this outfit make me feel?
A. Fat. This outfit makes me feel fat.
GOOD DATA! What kinds of implicit and explicit anti-fat bias are you carrying around with you?? What do YOU think when you see a fat person? Why are you afraid of people thinking (or knowing) that you're fat? Or have fat on your body?
Q. How does this outfit make me feel?
A. I think I like it. But I'm not sure.
GOOD DATA! We live in a culture where we're trained to TRUST other people's opinions more than we're taught to trust our own damn selves. Learning to TRUST yourself takes practice. So let me ask you again, how does this outfit make you FEEEEEEL?
Q. How does this outfit make me feel?
A. Feel? I don't feel anything. PLEASE just tell me if this looks good.
GOOD DATA. It's okay if you can't feel your feelings. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or that you're broken. I'd bet a million bucks that there was time when you DID feel your feelings, and it didn't work out for you, so now you FOLLOW THE RULES (instead of your feelings) to ensure your safety. This was a brilliant strategy for a while, but it's not serving you anymore. When you block out the big, ugly, vulnerable feelings, you block out all the good feelings too. And my word, THERE ARE JUST SO MANY GOOD FEELINGS TO FEEL!
Ever heard the saying... THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE, BUT FIRST IT WILL PISS YOU OFF. (Gloria Steinem)
Well, that's THIS. You can't heal what you can't feel (or acknowledge), so let's get FEELING!!
Grab yourself a sticky note and write down, "HOW DOES THIS MAKE ME FEEL?" and post it to your mirror.
And also before anybody asks... NO, I AM NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD WEAR THE MUFFIN TOP PANTS because #fuckflattering.
If you put on the muffin-top pants and your brain is shaming you up one side and down the other - TAKE OFF THE DARN PANTS, and put on something that makes you FEEL good. Ignoring the shame isn't gonna make it go away.
AND NOW, I WANT YOU TO BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO CONTRADICT EVERYTHING I JUST SAID! (BREAKING A BROKEN SYSTEM IS NUANCED BUSINESS!)
I've found that when you're first starting out on this journey, it actually makes sense to focus on LOOKING GOOD (how ya doing, flattering) because LOOKING GOOD will make you FEEL GOOD.
Which is why I focus on both LOOKING GOOD TO FEEL GOOD and FEELING GOOD TO LOOK GOOD in Style School.
I teach you how to DRESS YOUR BODY (your shape) in a way that LOOKS GOOD, while also teaching you how to FEEL GOOD in your one-and-only body, with our without any clothes on!
And/both. Not either/or.
xo Stasia
PS. And also, the problem is NOT in the giving + receiving of compliments! It's the dependency on those compliments that get us into trouble!
PPS. Like what you read here? Then scroll on down to the bottom and share this post with your people on Facebook. Wouldn’t it be nice if you ALL stopped asking, IS THIS FLATTERING together?!?!