I am committed to learning and choosing HOW to be a better ally to the BIPOC community. I am committed to learning how to center and empower Black lives from where I stand and from where I am starting. I am committed to learning from, and amplifying voices of Black women who speak at the intersectionality of race and womanhood.
I. Am. Committed.
xo Stasia
How many of you have a rough relationship with the color PINK? I mean, PINK has historically been filled to the gills with pink-is-for-girls-blue-is-for-boys sexism.
For years I thought pink was too "girly", too soft, too innocent to be worn by a grown-ass woman.
If I wanted to be seen as STRONG + EMPOWERED + BOLD, I did NOT want to be seen wearing PINK.
So in my effort to step into my power as a woman and buck stereotypes, I refused to wear pink.
What I didn't realize, though, was that by refusing to wear pink based on the stereotype, I was completely validating the stereotype.
In other words, I was still operating WITHIN the pink-is-for-girls-blue-is-for-boys stereotype because I was basing what I wore (or didn't wear) on what other people thought.
THAT'S what a stereotype is, right? An over-generalized BELIEF/THOUGHT by a lot of people, about a certain group of people.
So in order to truly STEP OUTSIDE the stereotype and prejudice that's inherent in the pink-is-for-girls-blue-is-for-boys sexism, I needed to buck the stereotype and decide if I even LIKED pink.
In other words, I had to check in with how pink made me FEEL, outside the stereotype.
So a whole bunch of years ago, I started experimenting with all the shades of pink. And turns out, wearing pink makes me FEEL joy-filled, playful, individuated, tender-hearted, bold, and fiercely-feminine. All feelings that for me, are based in strength and vulnerability and courage.
Stereotype be damned. I LOVE PINK!
Which brings me to last week's #5DayStyleChallenge of wearing PINK for a week!
Day 1 - I thrifted this NEON PINK button down shirt last year, and honestly, I have NO IDEA why neon EVER went out of style in the 80's. I went a little bananas with the accessories, and piled on a neon beaded necklace (HERE), a black leather necklace, and orange earrings (HERE). Now you might look at this accessory-combo and think... "geez, I'm not sure that jewelry GOES together". And to that I say... it goes 'cuz I say it goes!
Day 2 - Pink AND ruffles! When I first saw this sweatshirt at the Goodwill, I laughed out loud because I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. I often do Instagram stories from thrift-store fitting rooms, where I try on all sorts of weird and wild and funny things, and thought sure THIS TOP would make good comedy. The second I put it on I laughed... but then three seconds after that, I realized that OMG I LOVE THIS FREAKIN' TOP!
I battled with myself for about 3 minutes.
I LOVE IT. No I don't. I LOVE IT. No I don't. I LOVE IT.
The fact that it was a pastel pink, ruffled sweatshirt made me feel cheeky and badass and irreverent. But I struggled with the tight crewneck and full length sleeves.
So, I bought it, brought it home, and immediately CUT OUT the neck, and CUT OFF the cuffs.
Hello new favorite!
Day 3 - I was shocked to find that I was running low on pink (I thought I had a lot more), so I had to get creative. I went through all my drawers looking for a pink top, and all I could find was my pajama tank top. And I went for it. I layered my pink pajama top under the lace cardigan I wore for last month's #5DayStyleChallenge, put on the headband from the day before, the necklace from the day before that, and the jeans from every-damn-day, and felt awfully clever and resourceful, wearing my pajamas as clothes-clothes for a whole day!
Day 4. I had to REACH. I went into the basement to see if I had anything PINK tucked away, and heck if I didn't find this blue dress with pink flowers! I didn't wear it last summer because we were off adventuring, hiking in different national parks all over the country, so I had forgotten all about it! The last time I wore it was for my TEDx dress rehearsal in 2018. Whaaat?! It felt awfully fancy for a weekday, but hey, WHY NOT!? Nothing wrong with feeling fancy!
Day 5 - I was outta closet-options, so I went straight to my needs-fixing pile, and pulled out this handmade dress that has about 5 holes in it, right along the seams. Since Vermont is still SHUT DOWN, and I was going to be home all day, I decided to wear the dress, holes and all. You probably noticed that this dress looks like it was MADE for my body, and here's the thing. It was! Meg McElwee from Sew Liberated designed the #StasiaDress a few years ago, and it's a true beauty. Now... if I could just get around to fixing it!
Day 6 - I was having so much darn fun with PINK, I decided to wear my favorite PINK polypro hiking top for a quick jaunt into the mountains!
And just in case you're wondering... yes, I do see the cellulite on my thighs. And no, I'm not ashamed of it.
There was a time though, when I would have DELETED this photo immediately, and sunk into a pool of shame so murky, so deep, so thick with disgust, that it would have taken months, maybe years to recover.
Yes, that's how much I hated my body.
My body hasn't changed since then. My MIND has. Because like I always say, body shame has absolutely NOTHING to do with your body, and EVERYTHING to do with your MIND.
And boy does it feel good to notice a photo like this, and NOT feel shame.
I spent YEARS thinking that the ONLY way to NOT FEEL SHAME in my body... was to FIX my body.
Turns out, I was wrong.
#mybodyisnotaproblem
Aaaand there you have it, my journey with pink for a whole entire week.
Oh, and pssst. Did you notice that as you scrolled from picture to picture, the vibe of each outfit was different than the one before? I used to think that meant I wasn't STYLISH ENOUGH because I couldn't figure out if I liked hiking clothes, fancy dresses, messy hair, giant-ass ruffles, lipstick, or leapord print Vans. I surly couldn't like ALL of those things!! They're so... DIFFERENT!!
But over the years I've come to realize that WE ARE DYNAMIC/COMPLEX HUMAN BEINGS, so OF COURSE how we SHOW UP is gonna change from day to day.
THAT is the DEFINITION OF STYLE if you ask me!
xo Stasia
Before corona-time hit, my family had made the BIG decision to buy a camper, rent out our house, and head west for at least a year, maybe three, of serendipitous outdoor-living adventure. After spending two summers traveling/camping across the country, and never feeling like two months was enough, we decided we wanted to give it a go, FULL TIME. I was going to work from the road, and my husband was going to become a road-schooling-daddy.
Then corona hit. And everything got put on pause.
Pause didn't mean cancelled. It meant... paused. It meant there was still hope.
My husband had already given notice at his current job, so we had to make a choice. It was either a) hit the road during corona-time or b) he could get a new job.
Well, last week he was offered a new job, and he accepted.
It was official. Our year-long trip was off the table.
And I was sad. Real sad. This was NOT a disrupt-and-pivot I was prepared for. (If you DON'T know, my WOTY is DISRUPT.)
After sulking around for a bit, I decided to get dressed and put on a real "power outfit". I thought THAT was what my body needed. Turns out, though the outfit was "objectively cute", the feels were all wrong.
I didn't want to feel gritty and powerful and strong.
I wanted to feel... adventurous.
I don't know about you, but corona-time has provided me with an honorary degree in getting-the-most-outta-what-I-got.
Before corona...
the second I ran outta strawberries, I'd run to the store and buy more strawberries.
the moment my dishcloths started to spring leaks, I'd take a trip to Target and buy another pack.
and when I started feeling bored in my closet, I'd hit the thrift store and buy myself a treat.
Nowadays...
I go without strawberries until "grocery day", and eat something else instead.
I make do with ratty dishcloths, because though they may be homely to look at, and it's kind of a pain when my fingers get stuck in the holes, they clean the dishes just fine.
I find NEW ways to wear the same old clothes, which I gotta admit, makes me feel clever and resourceful and downright corona-creative.
Just last week I challenged myself to wear an old cardigan sweater 5 DAYS IN A ROW... as an under layer.
#5DayChallenge
#YesISaidUNDERLAYER
You and I both know that cardigans are "supposed" to be worn OVER things, like tank tops, t-shirts, dresses, and button-down shirts.
But 5 weeks into lock-down, I needed to break outta the confines of everyday livin', disrupt my old patterns, and flip the dang formula!
Because when you can't leave the house, you gotta bring the wild-hearted adventuring HOME.
Day 1. I wore my cardigan sweater UNDER a button down shirt. This is a move I learned from Style Sister, Ursula, and I gotta tell you, it's a move that I'm going to put into heavy rotation. I LOVED IT!
Day 2. I wore my cardigan sweater UNDER a blazer. As soon as I put this combo together, tears came to my eyes because it felt THAT congruent. The next time I have a speaking engagement, I'm wearing THIS on stage. Thank you, corona, for the inspiration!
Day 3. I wore my cardigan sweater UNDER another sweater. Again, this is a move I NEVER would have thought of if it weren't for this challenge. You can't really SEE the cardigan much in the photo, but in real life, you could see the lacy-texture THROUGH the other sweater, and it felt pretty darn "whiskey in a teacup"!
Day 4. I wore my cardigan sweater UNDER another cardigan. DOUBLE cardigans? Yes, yes I did, and it felt every which way to fabulous, and not one bit frumpy.
Day 5. I wore my cardigan UNDER my denim vest... and OVER a tank top. That right there was a double-move. Something special to wrap out the 5 day challenge, and an outfit you'll definitely see me in again, because I LOVED IT!
And you know what's wild... nobody in my family noticed that I wore the same cardigan 5 days in a row. In fact, if you had seen me in town (which you wouldn't, because there's no such thing anymore), there's a darn good chance you probably wouldn't have noticed either.
I used to have this "what will people think" voice inside my head when it came to wearing the same thing over and over and over and over... and OVER again, but after this?? Puh, I can put that thought to bed.
It's not like I was out there sneezing on people for goodness sake.
Maybe you haven't gotten dressed in 6 weeks. Maybe you've gotten dressed, but haven't put in any effort because "nobody's gonna see me anyway". Maybe the overwhelm has gotten to you, and getting dressed with intention has felt like one-more-thing.
I get it. I get all of it. And if that's where you're at... that's okay.
However, if you've had ENOUGH ALREADY, and you're ready to FEEL SOMETHING DIFFERENT, then how about making a change. You can't expect to feel something different if you're doing the same old thing, day after day.
Grab ONE THING in your closet, and see how you might CHALLENGE YO'SELF to wear it differently, 5 days in a row.
A bunch of gals in the SSS alumni group have been giving it a go, and the results have been FANTASTIC!
Check out what my gal Elizabeth (SSS19 Amelia Squad) did with her red pants!? Is she fantastic or WHAT?
And check out how Liz (SSS19 Rosie Squad) wore the same shirt 5 days in a row... over, under and even AS A SCARF!!
Both of these gals are wearing smiles that could light up a room. Why? Because they're feeling clever as heck, super resourceful, wicked creative, and downright HAPPY to be challenging themselves to a challenge they can't lose! They can only WIN!
How about you? Wanna give the ole #5daychallenge a try? Just for funsies?
(If you're in the SSS alumni group, hop on in and join the #5daychallenge party!)
I'm starting the #5daychallenge over myself... with a cut-up sweatshirt that I sometimes wear for fancy, and sometimes wear as pajamas. Today was Day 2, and I'm gonna go another three days, and see what I can come up with. If you're not following me on Instagram, you outta, because that's where I'll be showcasing my corona-creations. And they ARE creations I tell ya!
xo Stasia
No matter where you are in the world, it probably feels like March 58th to you too. Except it's April. Almost May. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like we're gonna be staying home and social distancing until March 124th.
Speaking of time-not-exactly-flying-by... do you know WHY so many gals wear the same things over and over again, even if those clothes don't make them FEEL good?
Because (I've been told) they don't have the capacity to explore what "styles" DO make them feel good.
By "capacity" they usually mean TIME + MONEY.
Well good news my friend, because I wanna invite you into your very own closet. It's only a minute away, the cost-of-goods is free-thirty-free, and it contains EVERYTHING YOU NEED to learn EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW about your own "personal style".
After 5 years of teaching Style School, it never ceases to amaze me how many women know exactly WHO THEY ARE and WHAT MAKES 'EM FEEL GOOD... and then stuff all of that knowing right into the back of their proverbial closets.
Having the guts to say THIS IS ME is scary is hell. Wicked vulnerable. And downright liberating.
I just wrapped up the 19th session of Style School last week (which we've aptly named SSSCovid-19), and with the whole world shut down, gals did all of their "shopping" right in their very own closets instead of in the stores. And HOLY MOLY you should SEE what they found, and WHAT THEY LEARNED!
Lucky you, they said I could share it all with you right here in a fashion show exposé.
First up is my gal Saskia (SSS15 Rosie Squad + Big Sister to SSS19 Amelia Squad), who FINALLY pulled these AMAZING earrings outta hiding after realizing they were not "too much" after all.
"I saw these sparkly, leather, feather-shaped earrings in Boston last summer, gasped, and thought “I MUST have those, and I will NEVER wear them in public.” The “too much” jiblet is looouuud, but they make me feel giddy and flashy and magical--kinda like a mermaid. This is their “public” debut."
If you don't know, "jiblets" are those negative voices inside your head that say mean things to you when you're brave enough to SHOW UP. (It's Style School speak.) Well, Saskia put those jiblets in their proper place (outside, pounding sand) and wore the dang earrings because she KNOWS there is no such thing as "too much".
Do YOU have any jewelry stuffed away that you're afraid might be TOO MUCH? How about flexing your brave muscle and wearing them... today!
And now, let's take a gander at Claudette (SSS19 Maya Squad), and check out this incredible dress she's had in her closet FOR 10 YEARS, but has NEVER WORN!
"I was feeling a little rebellious today - our last day before lock down kicks in this evening. I have had this dress for about 10 years and never worn it. Today I felt like it needed a chance celebrating my waist."
I about FAINTED when Claudette posted this photo. She had this hanging in her closet for 10 years before pulling it out for a full day's wear during a stay-at-home-global-quarantine-day-with-kids!!
What do YOU have hanging in the back of your closet that you've never worn!? How about giving it a go this week?
Next up is my gal Holly (SSS19 Rosie Squad) who pulled a pair of swashbuckling boots out of her closet that SHE HARDLY EVER WORE because she didn't think she was "cool enough" to pull them off.
Not cool enough? No way.
She told that "not cool enough" jiblet to head outside and go pound sand with Saskia's jiblets. Because HELLO, she is SOOOOO cool enough to wear the dang boots. Can you believe they've been sitting in her closet virtually UNWORN for all these years?
Most of us have at least one "I'm not cool enough" piece in our closet. What's yours? Can you commit to wearing it THIS WEEK?
And now, let me introduce you to Style Sister Kathryn (SSS19 Rosie Squad), who bought a fancy-pants necklace while traveling on vacation, and then stuffed it in a drawer because her friend didn't like it!
"I bought this necklace from an artist in London while visiting a friend. Friend’s response was lukewarm about it when I showed her and that was enough to bury it away...never to be worn! How absurd is that??"
Gals, what other people think about what you wear is none of your damn business. (Yes, I said none of YOUR business. Other people can make what you wear their business, but you don't need to make what they think any of YOUR business.) You get dressed for YOU - to feel good in YOUR body - to connect to your SOUL FIRE. Kathryn re-realized that the second she put this necklace on. Shazam!
Do YOU have something in your closet that you LOVE... but somebody made fun of it, so you tucked it away and stopped wearing it? How about wearing it THIS WEEK!
Next up is my super-fly Style Sister, Cindi (SSS19 Rosie Squad) who had an unworn dress AND denim jacket sitting in the back of her closet for A YEAR before pulling both pieces out during the first week of Style School. She somehow got it in her head that she couldn't wear stripes... because you know, RULES.
"I didn't think I could wear stripes."
Can't wear stripes? Who makes those rules up anyway? The fashion police? I'm calling their bluff. You wanna wear stripes, then wear the dang stripes! Because my goodness, this dress fits Cindi like a glove, the stripes look whimsical and fun, and the denim jacket looks amazing. She's the master of balance and proportion here, and I'll tell you what... SHE KNEW BEFORE SHE EVEN KNEW SHE KNEW that this was a smokin' hot outfit that fit her body, and her SOUL FIRE, perfectly.
Got anything in your closet that has a pile of RULES attached to it? How about flushing those rules down the toilet and WEARING THE THING this week?
And lastly... check out the hadn't-been-worn-in-13-years blazer Danielle (SSS19 Maya Squad) discovered in her closet!
"I bought this as a suit 13 years ago, and wore the suit once for the interview for my current job. It's been in the back of the closet in a garment bag because I never wear a suit. I pulled out the blazer and I love it! Great color for me. Good length. Whoop! The pants are on their way to ThredUp because my amazing hips will never fit into those pre-baby pants again."
Do YOU have a suit stuffed into the back of your closet that just might have a top or bottom that STILL FITS, and can be worn as a separate? It's a wicked clever move. Super resourceful. And totally FREE! I mean... look at Danielle's smile here. She won the SOUL FIRE lottery, no doubt about it.
And yep, even I have taken to shopping my closet for treasures! I had bought a pair of burgundy leggings MONTHS ago, and had only worn them once. So on a regular old weekday, I whipped them out, put ‘em under a pair of denim shorts, threw on a floral crown, and called it a day. I felt downright glamorous!
Gals, this is what STYLE is all about. Finding things that fit, make you feel good, and leave you feeling clever, resourceful, smart, sexy, brave, grounded, glamorous, fierce.
And there's a good chance you've got THOSE EXACT THINGS in your closet already.
I just ran an ENTIRE SESSION OF STYLE SCHOOL during a global pandemic, where the only place gals could go shopping was in their closet. And it was AWESOME!
I know a lot of you are feeling the frustration that shopping is off the table because you're itching for something new... but I'll tell you what, there's a 99% chance that YOU HAVE SOMETHING NEW in your closet already.
Go digging. Find the things you've set aside because you didn't think you were "cool enough". Put on the fancy dress, the big earrings, the sparkly tank top. Wear the good jewelry. The swashbuckling boots. The gritty denim jacket.
You might roll your eyes and say... NOW, DURING CORONA-TIME?? And to that I say YES. Now. FEELING GOOD feels extra hella good these days.
So go for it. SHOP YOUR CLOSET. And see what you might find!
xo Stasia
I don't know about you... but the minute I learned that ALL SHOPPING WAS OFF THE TABLE for the COVID-19 shelter-in-place order, my closet all of a sudden started to feel choked. Boring. Depressing.
I have to wear THIS STUFF for forever?? No thrifting? No swapping? No shopping?
Listen gals, they don't say that "necessity is the mother of invention" for nothing.
We think that our closets are an abyss of boring has-beens, but I'll tell you what, opportunity abounds, when we've got the guts and the gumption (AND NO OTHER CHOICE BUT) to get creative.
I just read this quote, straight outta the mouth of one of my Style Sisters:
"The things I already have in my closet aren’t necessarily “boring,” they just need a little help from other things in my closet and/or some fun accessories to show my true personality."
BaBAM. There it is. Sometimes we just need "a little help from our friends".
Just yesterday I got dressed in a closet-combo I'd never worn before... but even though it was a new combo, something was missing. So do you know what I did? I messed around with all kinds of different tucking and knotting, twisting and tying, and guess what? I discovered a BRAND NEW MOVE. Something I'd NEVER done before.
You guys, I tucked one side of my shirt into my pants.
It may not SEEM like much. But I’ll tell you what. That ONE. SIMPLE. MOVE. changed everything.
And all of a sudden, I felt scrappy, messy (in a good way), disrupt-y, creative, and... mysterious.
Mysterious because if anybody had seen me, they probably would’ve thought to themselves... “I wonder if she did that move on purpose? Or if maybe her shirt accidentally got tucked into her pants after going to the bathroom.”
THEY’LL NEVER KNOW!
And gals, I'm not the only one inventing new moves, and making the MOST out of what I already have in my closet. I've got a gaggle of Style Sisters in session RIGHT NOW who are reinventing their closets one creative, brave, confident, rule-breaking muscle at a time.
"Being brave has opened up a whole new wardrobe possibility for work, and for feeling more authentically myself."
"My boring closet is actually less boring if I look at it closely and with creativity!"
"Many things in my closet I've had for years because I'm confident in what I love. I just haven't always been confident enough to wear some pieces and some combos."
Instead of sitting home, stressing about all the lock-down orders being dropped around the globe, how about we spend some time cultivating COURAGE, CONFIDENCE + CREATIVITY instead.
Our primary job right now is to follow the rules being laid out by our government officials (#flattenthecurve), and to take care of ourselves/our families. We gotta breathe. We gotta eat. We gotta move.
We're in this for the long haul, so we gotta keep our shit together, the best we can. Instead of lamenting all that we can't do, and all that we don't have, let's focus on what we CAN DO and what we DO HAVE!
Instead of feeling sad you can’t go shopping, get excited about turning your closet into your own STYLE LABORATORY.
Go to your closet, and see what you can come up with. Try new combos. Experiment with tucks, and knots and the ole' SSS Rosie Rosette. Try denim on denim for the first time. Get the scissors out, and cut the sleeves off a too-small denim jacket. Go bananas!
Just when I think my closet is done - dead - dried up, I come up with SOMETHING that reminds me that life is FULL of hidden treasures... if we just know how to look for 'em.
Stay safe, friends!
xo Stasia
Recently, I received an email from a gal on my email list that STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS.
She asked...
"What am I supposed to say when a woman says something like 'I have to cover up my arms because I hate the way they look... my skin is like crape paper.'
My response is usually...'I can only imagine what you think of my skin!'
Then I feel like I should cover up... like not wear bare legs with short skirts. I know it's stupid, but it really bugs me. Don’t women realize when they say things like that, that they are shitting on other women?!"
My answer was… No, no they don't.
This Q has been rolling around inside my brain for a week! When that happens I know that it’s time to dig in. Truth is, everywhere I turn, women are shitting on themselves without realizing the devastating impact it has on other women.
I've done it. You've done it. We've all done it.
I legit used to think that when I shamed myself, it was alllllllll about me, and only me. I had standards, dammit, and I wasn't meeting them. I was always clear that MY standards were mine alone, and that they didn't need to be YOUR standards too. I was so indignant in my thinking, that I'd say... if my words offend you, that's YOUR work, not mine.
🙄🙄🙄
Talk about SHORT SIGHTED.
I mean, where in hell did MY standards come from anyway?? THEY CAME FROM OTHER WOMEN SHAMING THEMSELVES, AND ME TAKING NOTES LIKE IT WAS MY FULL TIME JOB.
When you insult yourself OUT LOUD, you are planting SEEDS OF SHAME in the hearts and minds of those who hear you.
Gals, this is a sneaky little habit that's totally on us... as women, as friends, as moms, as daughters.
No blaming this one on the "beauty industry", "mean girls" or "the Man".
We gotta own this one. And then we gotta STEP OUT OF IT.
Imagine for a second, that you and I are hanging out, and over the course of a few hours I say...
I look terrible today. I'm sorry you have to see me this way.
I didn't go for a walk today, so I'm going to pass on dessert.
I wish I could wear shorts, it's so hot out. But I can't... not with THESE legs.
It's finally summer! I gotta lose 10 pounds so I can take my kids to the beach!
Each of these "insults", against my-own-damn-self, is me, stating loud and clear, what the "standard acceptable requirement" is for good woman-ing.
Sure as shiitake mushrooms, you're taking notes...
Looking "terrible" is unacceptable. Got it. Must apologize.
Dessert has to be earned. No walk means no dessert. Got it.
Legs have to LOOK a certain way if you want to wear shorts. Got it. But wait.... her legs are "better" than my legs. SHIT, what must she think of MY legs?
Your body has to be a certain size to go to the beach. Got it.
THESE are the seeds-of-shame we plant IN OTHERS when we insult ourselves.
Now imagine this scenario instead...
You walk in and I don't insult my appearance. In fact, when you comment on my wild-messy hair, I say "ha, it's what LIVING looks like today", and I smile.
I eat dessert without comment or caveat, enjoying every bite.
It's hotter than a cannon outside, so I'm wearing shorts, like it ain't no thang
I say to you, PACK YOUR BAG, let's grab the kids and go swimming!
Instead of planting seeds-of-shame in your heart and mind... I just handed you a PERMISSION SLIP to STEP INTO LIVING!
Permission to look how you look, without apology.
Permission to eat food that you enjoy, without justifying it.
Permission to wear whatever you want, whenever you want.
Permission to BE IN YOUR TODAY-BODY, without needing to change a damn thing.
Gals, this is BIGGER than permission. It's INSPIRATION.
YOU have the power to INSPIRE every single woman you interact with WHEN YOU STOP SHITTING ON YOURSELF.
My sister asked for a "comeback" to these "shitty" situations, and I say, FORGET ABOUT A COMEBACK, and put your energy into THIS instead:
STOP APOLOGIZING for being a woman with a woman's body
Let go of what other people think of you
Wear what you want to wear when you want to wear it (this takes GUTS!)
Decide how YOU want to LIVE YOUR LIFE, and start taking little, imperfect steps BEFORE YOU'RE READY
practice compassion, for the gal shitting on herself, and for YOURSELF, because this is HARD WORK, and we all slip from time to time
MODEL what you want to see.
Five years ago, I was participating in this SHAME-GAME, because I didn't realize THE GAME WAS RIGGED against me. But now, I know better, so I do better.
If YOU are still stuck in the shame-game, and wanna find your way out, I can help. THIS is the work of Style School. Because when you're sitting in a virtual room with 40 other SMART, BEAUTIFUL, GUTSY WOMEN, who've also been taken down by the shame-game, you realize how rigged the system is against you, and you COMMIT, TOGETHER, to finding a new way.
xo Stasia
PS. I’d be MEGA psyched to know you’re pinning this on Pinterest to spread the message! Mwah!
In a Pinterest and Instagram world, obsessed with looks and image, it’s no wonder many of us fall for the assumption that style is petty and superficial.
You know, deep down, that all that glitters is not gold, and there’s more to someone than meets the eye.
Interestingly, though, when I ask the women who sheepishly roll into Style School WHY they are here, their replies hit me straight in the gut.
In other words? Their reasons are DEEP… the absolute, polar opposite of shallow. Lemme show you what I mean:
"I try to emulate what others wear, but it doesn't reflect MY inner essence, so it's never quite right. I want a style that reflects MY personality."
"After the birth of my daughter and some serious weight gain, I was left wondering WHO AM I, and how in heck do I dress myself."
"I want to look in the mirror again, and like the person looking back."
"I feel like I’ve lost myself along the way (kids), and I'm ready to find out WHO I AM again."
"I've done a lot of heart and soul work in the last few years, and I want my outside to reflect my inside."
"I'm turning 60 this year, and I want my life to be about ME and MY choices, not what I think everyone else wants for me."
"I'm ready to stop hiding behind my clothes. I want my wardrobe to say THIS IS ME."
"I'm often frustrated… not BEING ME and not SHOWING UP."
"There’s an identify confusion - WHO AM I?"
"How am I supposed to know what MY style is? It's easy to default to old clothes I've worn forever that no one will notice. But I'm sick of that. I'm sick of discomfort. I'm sick of feeling unsure of WHO I AM."
WHOA, right?
Any of that sound petty or superficial to you?
Or is it the damn opposite? TRUTH, HONESTY and VULNERABILITY.
Were you nodding along, saying YES YES YES? Me too!
Here’s what I know to be true:
The most beautifully curated closet in the world will feel like a complete farce if it isn't a reflection of your YOU-NESS. (Ain’t nobody feeling fresh while faking a farce.)
STYLE does NOT MEAN “fitting in”. It does not mean “dressing in a way that impresses others”. It does not mean “fake it till you make it”.
Personal STYLE is showing up in the world feeling so deeply connected to yourself, that your outsides? What people see? Is a TRUE reflection of WHO YOU ARE on the inside. It’s a knowing so great, so deep, so profound, that hiding becomes an impossibility.
I call this Inside-Out Congruency, and lemme tell you, connecting your insides with your outsides is big, deep work.
There’s nothing superficial about finding the courage to really KNOW yourself, and SHOW yourself.
Our old nemesis, the “beauty” industry, perpetuates the myth that style happens on the outside, because that’s what SELLS. The intrinsic fear you and I have of not “fitting in” drives us to shell out the shillings!
Fear drives spending. And the beauty industry is one of the most profitable markets in the world. Make no mistake, you’re no dummy for buying what they’re selling. You’re wired for connection. A deep, true longing, that will not be satiated by anything other than true connection.
Unfortunately, when what you’re buying is about how to “fit in” you’ll find yourself starving, and then return to the same seller, and buy the whole damn thing again. You’ll drift further and further from the anchor of your soul, and turn all of the anger and blame onto your body. If it’s not working for you, YOU must be the problem.
WRONG.
Here’s the realio dealio: Personal style is about belonging completely to yourself, first and foremost, and THAT is the magic door that opens you for true connection and belonging with others.
Let's look at my daughter, Raisa, for a minute, so we can truly understand the difference between "fitting in" and "belonging".
Raisa is a bowtie wearing, blazer sporting, pattern mixing little turkey that I couldn't imagine any other way. Before she knew about the conventional rules of what a girl is "supposed" to wear, she intuitively KNEW herself.
I wanted to protect her, to help her "fit in" with the other girls, but she KNEW better than I did, what it felt like to be herself.
When she wore the tunics and headbands that I encouraged her to wear, her confidence tanked, and she lost the sure footing of knowing herself, what she liked, and what she wanted.
But when she SHOWS UP, eyes forward, shoulders back, in her body, wearing the clothes that FEEL right for her... she’s grounded. She knows exactly who she is. No pretense. No shame. No HIDING.
And BECAUSE she said NO, THANK YOU to fitting in... she knows what it means to BELONG.
To BELONG is to feel LOVED for WHO YOU ARE, not for who you are pretending to be.
Why would I want to teach Raisa to let go of herself in order to fit in?!
It’s a simple answer: I didn’t know another way. I didn't know WHO IN HELL I WAS.
And what does one do when she doesn’t know WHO she is?
She choses safety. She looks around, finds a way to blend in, stay neutral, not stand out. She hides the complexity of who she is, and suffocates herself in fleece, khakis, and sensible brown shoes.
Yea… I’m talking about me.
I let my role, the things I loved to do, and the people who “made the style rules for those roles and activities” dictate the way I should dress myself.
And I felt disconnected from my truest self. Small. Dim.
Here’s what I’ve learned to be true: WHO I AM and HOW I WANT TO FEEL is my TRUE north star, guiding me deeper into myself, and in the process, opening my heart up for true connection with others. How I present myself to the world has nothing to do with my “station” in life, and everything to do with my soul.
Ask yourself WHO AM I? Grab a pen and paper and write, write, write until your fingers hurt. Come up with a list of words (NOT ROLES) that describe WHO YOU ARE. If this isn’t WHO you want to be, then my guess is that it’s a false self, in other words, who you became when you lost the truth of yourself… and it doesn’t FIT anymore. You’ve outgrown it. If that’s the case for you, ask yourself WHO AM I LONGING TO BE? Odds are that’s the REAL you, ready to be seen by you first, and set free!
Take that list of words, and narrow it down to the top 5 words that make your soul-fire sing.
Go to your closet, and see what you have that connects you to those words/feelings.
In other words, if one of your words is BRAVE, then go through your shirts, try them on, and see if any of them make you FEEL BRAVE. Try on your earrings, necklaces, boots, and headscarves, and ask yourself... DOES THIS MAKE ME FEEL BRAVE?
Do it over and over again. Find those things. Use your closet to help connect you to WHO YOU ARE.
It takes work. It takes practice. It takes guts.
That's why I created Stasia's Style School. It’s a framework from which to practice stepping into your you-ness, with a built-in sisterhood of women who are on the same transformative journey. It’s equal parts inspiration, motivation, and accountability. And there are lessons. OH, THE LESSONS!!!
I run Style School a few times a year. Style School is a FULLY SUPPORTED course, with an (off Facebook) Community . You will not walk this journey alone.
We’re wired for true connection, and we heal in community. When you bear witness to another woman's story and SEE her beauty, you’ll begin to SEE your own true-self, your own unique, BEAUTY-full offering to the world.
xo Stasia
PS. Here's what Style School alum, Lewanda, has to say about fitting-in versus belonging.
"I‘ve worn a pretty costume most all my life. I accepted it early so it felt like it was me. By being pleasing and quiet, pretty and good, loyal and dependable, I stayed mid-pack. I had a happy face, but my costume was too tight and not right. In Stasia’s Style School I found my truth, my spark, my power, and my light. I love being ME. I love being Free. I live with pride and gratefulness to be 66, untethered, strong, healthy, and beautiful. I cherish my SSS sisterhood. There I find radical acceptance and a playground of vulnerability, connection, and pride that evokes me to express more and more of who I am every day.
I’m writing this from an outdoor cafe in the middle of the Sonoran Desert, Arizona, surrounded by saguaro (pronounced sa-WAH-ro), barrel, and prickly pear cacti.
Gals, I'm in heaven. This place speaks to me at a SOUL-level.
This is what I'm looking at, over my computer screen:
I started packing for this desert camping/hiking trip about an hour before we left, because honestly, that's how I roll. I've got my packing system DOWN PAT, and was able to get everything I need for a week of camping and hiking - all into my carry-on suitcase.
Folks are always curious how I'm able to pack so lightly when I adventure, so I thought I'd share with you what I brought, and why!
TOPS
Camping/hiking in the desert in February means I need to be prepared with warm and cold weather gear. The desert gets really chilly at night, and hot during the day, so I prepared for both!
I brought...
3 t-shirts (for hiking)
3 sweatshirts (for evenings / cool days)
1 polypro top (for evenings)
1 sports bra (for everyday)
1 sports tank (for everyday)
1 pajama top (for sleeping)
1 "nice" shirt (for fancy)
After three days hiking in the same t-shirt, I STILL passed the pit-sniff test. 👃👃👃 I have a feeling I'm gonna go home with a suitcase of unworn clothes! But, only time will tell.
BOTTOMS
I had space in my suitcase, so I packed a variety of bottoms, but of course, I've worn my hiking skort every-single-day since we've been here.
I brought...
1 pair of ankle-length leggings (for hiking)
1 pair of 3/4 length leggings (for hiking)
2 skorts (for hiking)
1 pair of jeans (for travel / cool non-hiking days)
1 pair of long johns (for evenings)
The daytime temps have been SO NICE in Tucson, I’ve worn my favorite (thrifted) skort, 4 days in a row! (I may leave without ever even touching my leggings.) I HAVE worn my Odlo leggings every night though, because day-um the nights have been COLD. I'm talking FROST-ON-THE-GROUND cold.
I also brought...
1 dress (for fancy)
my Patagonia nano-puff jacket (for evenings)
my raincoat (for that one day of rain in the forecast)
my bikini (just in case we find a swimming hole)
Thank goodness I brought my nano-puff jacket because, I'll tell you what... the temps drop about 40 degrees the second the sun sets.
Let's see... what else did I bring?
6 pairs of undies
2 pairs of socks (yes, I wear the same socks over and over again)
1 winter hat (for those cold nights)
1 baseball cap (for those sunny days)
1 pair of sandals (for day use and the shower)
1 pair of hiking shoes (for... well, hiking!)
1 neck gaiter (to keep the sun off my neck during the day, and to keep my neck warm at night)
6 pairs of earrings (I like variety)
sunglasses (for obvious reasons)
1 Turkish towel (for bathing)
my Cold Moon blanket from Dig Co (to snuggle up in the evenings)
my toiletry bag, which includes my Mom's Stuff Salve and Day Face Balm (for skin protection)
my headlamp (an absolute ESSENTIAL for camping)
1 water bottle
1 coffee cup
plus a backpack full of gluten-free food for a long day of travel
That's it. Every last thing that I packed. And it all fit 1) on my body 2) in my carry-on, or 3) in my backpack/personal item.
In case you're wondering... that cool pink van you see in the background of my photos, with that pop-up tent on top? THAT's what we're traveling in, here in Tucson! We rented an Escape Campervan in Phoenix... and after all of our 4-people-in-a-Prius camping trips, this thing feels like a mansion!
Before ANY piece of clothing goes into my suitcase, I try it on to make sure it fits. My body changes on the regular. (Yours too? Yep, that's what bodies do.) I also make sure that all my tops go with all my bottoms. Finally, every item I pack needs to give me the FEELS I want to FEEL, while adventuring.
It takes some doing to find ALL THE RIGHT THINGS for my today-body and my today-feels, because sometimes what I think I want to wear doesn’t FEEL right. Better to figure that out AT HOME, rather than three days into the trip!
Which reminds me... I'm always surprised when someone looks at me cross-eyed as soon as I start talking about how my clothes make me feel.
Truth is, I've yet to meet someone who doesn't know what BLAH, MEH or UGH feels like, when it comes to clothes.
Am-I-right?
What you may NOT know is this: if you can notice what exactly makes you feel BLAH, MEH, or UGH! then you ALSO have all the working radar you'll need to figure out what colors, styles, and accessories make you feel BOOYAH!
Learning how to dress to feel STRONG, BRAVE, CREATIVE, BADASS, ADVENTUROUS, or [fill in the blank with EXACTLY HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL], is a game-changer. (And for me, that's a massive understatement! Ha!)
I used to feel frumpy in my clothes every. damn. day. I blamed my body.
Sister, body shame is a crying shame.
That same body that I used to BLAME is the very reason I'm able to camp, hike, and adventure in the Arizona mountains, breathing in the freshest air, and snuggling deep into my cozy sleeping bag come nightfall.
This body of mine is a GIFT. A wonderful vehicle for all of the adventures that I've already lived, and many more that await. In fact, that Escape Campervan up there's got nothin' on this body of mine, and the same's true of yours.
How about you? When was the last time you really NOTICED how you feel in your clothing? When was the last time you blamed your body for feeling BLAH, while wearing a stained hand-me-down-from-your-honey-tee-shirt with holes, too-small jeans, or your nursing bra from 12 years ago?
When was the last time you RELISHED living in your body? And dressed like it? I wanna know if this is something you're ready to learn! And... if not, what's holding you back? Now there’s a question worth answering!
xo Stasia
PS If dressing to FEEL how you want to feel intrigues you, then check out my other blog posts on Inside-out Congruency!
Last week I told you that my pants were bordering on too small, and that it was time to buy new pants. You wrote back (by the truckload) to say that your pants are ALSO too small, and that you, too, are committed to buying new pants. You said you're DONE wearing pants that hurt your damn feelings.
I said it last week and I'll say it again....
Buying pants to fit your body as it changes is not "giving in" or "giving up."
Buying pants to fit your body as it changes is a way of giving LOVE.
When your pants don't fit, it's time to go shopping.
Clothes do not have the right to hurt your feelings. No way. No how.
But girl, I know how hard it is to find pants that fit your body in all of its 2000 spots. I mean, there are about 7 billion ways to have a human body, so finding THE pants that fit YOUR today-body takes good old fashioned effort.
Not to mention the fact that "sizing" is bullshit.
This weekend, when I was jean's shopping at J.Crew, the sales-gal asked me what size I wore. I said... 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32.
You should have seen the side-eye she gave me!
I told her that I have jeans THAT FIT from J.Crew that are a size 27. But that my size 31 J.Crew jeans - IN THE SAME CUT, are too small. So yea, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32.
Gals, if you don't know your size, it's not because YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR SIZE. It's because sizing is bullshit.
Anyway...
Because I didn't know my size OR my cut, I eyeballed what I thought my size would be in each style, and went into the changing room with one helluva big pile of jeans. And I started trying them on.
No matter what style/cut I tried on (even the style for "curvy girls") I couldn't find a pair that fit me in the hips/thighs AND the waist. The sales-gal at one point commented on the discrepancy in size between my hips and my waist, and I was like... did you say DISCREPANCY!? As in, a lack of compatibility? That almost sounds like my body is the problem.
🤔🤔🤔
Ahhhh, nope! I told her my body is not the problem, it's the damn pants. She high-fived me, wished me luck, and sent me to Madewell.
Once I got there, I tried on ALL THE JEANS. And same thing... just right in the hips/thighs, wayyyyy too big in the waist. If you're on Instagram, you can see all of my Madewell try-ons in my saved stories. Whew, there were a lot.
It wasn't until the LAST PAIR I tried on that I found a winner. I couldn't believe it. They were black, kicky, cropped, and something I thought I would NEVER wear. Cropped jeans were a no-way-never for me. But after getting past my thoughts/rules, I realized I felt AMAZING in them!
So I bought them, and I haven't taken them off since Sunday!
Gals, I searched for a pair of jeans that fit my today-body for over a year.
A YEAR.
I live in rural Vermont so I was looking mostly in thrift stores and the occasional GAP outlet. But one intentional trip to the mall, and I found a pair. It almost felt too easy!
Jeans are hard. If you go shopping and you can't find jeans that fit, THAT'S NORMAL. Go shopping again. Adjust your expectations. Do not settle for "good enough" jeans, because your body deserves better. YOU deserve better. The "right jeans" are out there, and those "right jeans" should make you feel saucy and grounded and strong and fierce and whatever other good feelings you wanna feel when you're wearing jeans.
These jeans make me feel every which way to DISRUPT-Y, and I'm LOVING IT!
xo Stasia
PS I’m all about disrupting the status quo when it comes to body shame culture! Read more about shaking things up here!