Wear the Damn Swimsuit

While trekking cross-country on one of our epic summer adventures, I was invited to a July 4th neighborhood pool-party in Fort Collins, Colorado, hosted by my friend’s boyfriend's ex-wife. (Seemingly random, but nothing ever is!)

I put on my cheeky bikini and a cute little dress, walked my fabulous ass right into the pool gates, and then... outta thin air, I came face to face with one of my BIGGEST most POWERFUL self-image-saboteurs. 

FIT-STRONG-MUSCULAR WOMEN. EVERYWHERE. 

It was as if I had just walked onto the set of an Athleta catalog photo-shoot. 

I became dizzy with shame. I immediately had this vision of all the fit-party-people stopping, staring, and chanting BIG LEGS BIG LEGS BIG LEGS BIG LEGS. 

(Thanks thrift-store, body-shamer, for planting THAT in my head!)

It took everything I had to DISRUPT the onslaught of shaming thoughts. 

My body is not a problem.
My body is a good body.
Do not let SHAME hijack you from the anticipated fun and freedom you felt 5 minutes ago.

Once I put down my things, I stood at the pool's edge, heart beating in my ears, and I KNEW I had to take off the damn dress. I knew I had to BE IN MY BODY. I knew I could NOT let SHAME take me down. 

I took a deep breath, slowly slipped off my dress... and nothing happened. Nothing at all. 

There I was, ready to be the center of the most epic ridicule-pool-azza ever to be seen on planet earth, and nobody noticed me.

Talk about anticlimactic!

Once the dress was off, and I recognized the sensational-shame-story for what it was - BULLSHIT - I relaxed and immediately started to feel the ease and freedom I’m accustomed to feeling in my cheeky-bikini. 

And then, outta the blue, I hear... "Stasia?!"

I turned around, and standing right in front of me was a beautiful, bright-eyed woman - a woman I’d never seen before.

"OMG, YOU'RE AT MY POOL!!  I just popped in to drop off my son, and I saw you. I thought, OMG is that STASIA AT MY POOL!  I follow you on Instagram!!  I just had to come say hi! I can't believe you're AT MY POOL.  Don't you live in Vermont? Why are you at my neighborhood pool? Eep! I am sooooo inspired!  You practice what you preach!!  YOU'RE WEARING A BIKINI AT MY POOL!" 

And then my heart started beating in my ears again. OMG-THE-IRONY.

One minute I'm bracing myself for the most epic ridicule-pool-azza ever.  The next I'm standing tall and proud in my cheeky-bikini, taking a picture with my new friend, who I met because I was serendipitously invited to a pool-party by my friend's boyfriend's ex-wife.

People often say to me, “I wish I felt about my body the way that you feel about your body!” or “I’d never be brave enough to wear a bikini!”

But, I’m here to tell you. This didn’t come naturally to me either! No way!

I didn't CURE BODY SHAME by changing my body. I SLAYED IT by intentionally disrupting my shaming thoughts, and reminding myself of something that I understand to be intellectually true: #mybodyisnotaproblem.

In short, I practice.

I PRACTICE disrupting my shame thoughts like a ninja.
I PRACTICE gratitude for my today-body. 
I PRACTICE LOVING and befriending my body.
I PRACTICE setting boundaries that support the way I want to feel in my body.

THIS IS THE WORK, sisters.  You understand that getting good at anything takes practice. Intentional, specific, targeted PRACTICE. And being in your body, in a swimsuit, is no different.

Learning to accept, honor, appreciate and even LOVE your body, doesn’t come easy for most of us! And it’s no wonder! We live in an extremely body shaming culture.

BUT, these beliefs that we hold so tightly as fact, are actually NOT true. And you don’t have to live as if they are.

If you want the culture to change, then you best start changing, because gals, WE ARE THE CULTURE.

It's time to let go of the old self-sabotaging body shame stories that keep you stuck in the muck, and replace them with more loving, more tender, my accepting BELIEFS that support you, not hurt you.

It's a LIFE LONG PRACTICE.  One that enables you to fully integrate hella big TRUTHS into your heart, mind and soul, over the long haul. 

This work of healing body shame, and embodying a confident, joyful, grounded, loving presence takes time and deserves to be taken OFF of a quick-fix timeline. 

We all have body shame. And none of our bodies are actually are problem.

YOU CAN practice and LEARN a new way to relate to your body.

Let’s practice together.

xo Stasia

Pics, Stories + EMOTIONS from my TEDx talk

It's been almost two weeks since I was on the TEDx stage, and yowza, what a whirlwind of emotion it's been since then.

So many of you have reached out via email, social media, and text, asking how I'm doing now that my talk is over... so I figured it best to connect with you here, where I can express in both words and pictures, what a full experience this has been for me.

Being on the TEDx stage was undoubtedly the biggest most bravest thing I've ever done.  (Well, except for naturally birthing ZZ, my 11-pounder.  That was big and brave too!)  

I've always called myself a "wingiter".  You know... a person who likes to "wing it".  So to spend months preparing -- condensing a lifetime of stories into a wee 16 minute talk, then memorizing that talk, THEN practicing that talk in front of dozens of people on my deck was... phew, WICKED HARD!  

Not to mention getting on a stage (a stage!!) in front of 650 people!  

I had a lot to learn, to let go of, to step into, to become.  

And now that my talk is behind me... I'd like to share with you what it was like, before, during, and after my time on the stage.  

BEFORE

I'll start with the practice sessions. On the Friday before my talk, I invited folks over to my home to sit on my deck so that I could practice my talk in front of real-life people. I could get through my talk ok in the quietude of the shower... but in front of people?  The thought made me want to crawl into fetal position and hide!  So I knew I had to practice in front of people.  

That Friday night, I did my talk twice, and I couldn't get through it either time without pausing, losing my brain, forgetting where I was, getting stuck.  I held back, afraid of being too expressive.  Too loud.  Too much.  My friends Julianne and Amanda said to me, "Stasia, STOP HOLDING BACK!"  I tried.  I couldn't.  

The next morning, my friend Amanda invited me to her house to do my talk in front of a dozen of her friends/family.  I did it, but again, not without mixing up my words, losing my place, getting lost.  

One of the gals at the morning gathering invited me to a birthday party that evening, of a gal I didn't know, to practice my talk again.  Another willing audience of strangers!  Yes please!  Off I went, and once again, I couldn't get through my talk without messing up.  

Then on Tuesday, three days before I was about to get on the TEDx stage, I had MORE folks come to my house to act as my practice audience.  My first run through was a mess.  My second run-through... I couldn't get past the first paragraph.  It took everything I had inside of me to not freak out. Panic. My talk was in three days, and I STILL couldn't get through it without seriously messing up.  And then, one very special friend said to me... "Stasia, you have to go to that place inside of you that you talk about IN YOUR TALK... that place where you've never been wounded, where there's still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where there's a confidence and tranquility in you.  GO THERE!"  Whoa.  She took my own words (well, that quote is from John O'Dononue, but still) and reflected them back onto me.  So I took a deep breath, went to that place where I had never been wounded (or messed up, or failed, or made an ass of myself) and I NAILED IT. No hesitation. No brain-dropping. No paralysis. I DID IT!  I knew that talk inside and out... it was my brain - my doubt - my fear - MY VULNERABILITY - that was holding me back and robbing me of what I knew.  Once I harnessed it, I knew I was unstoppable. 

DURING

On the day of my talk, I was excited, thrilled, nervous... and totally ready.  There was no fear. 

I walked out on that stage in my $6 thrift store dress and my favorite cowboy boots, and giggled when I saw my name on the big screen!  

I don't remember much of what happened during the talk, but I do remember seeing my husband and daughter, right there in the front row, eyes filled to the brim with tears, smiling so big I think I could see their back teeth!  I also remember seeing my SSS Style Sisters sitting in the audience, eyes bright, faces glowing, emitting so much love and you-got-this, I could feel it on stage.  

There was a time during my talk (which was about my journey with style, and how my daughter Raisa taught me the lessons of Inside Out Congruency) when I pointed right at Raisa, sitting in the front row wearing her button down shirt and a bowtie, as I said this...

"Now imagine her again, but this time, standing tall and proud in her body, eyes forward, shoulders back, wearing a button-down shirt and bowtie, completely SURE of who she is.  And now imagine some kid coming up to her, teasing her because she’s wearing hearings aids, or because she has a 4-fingered hand, or because she’s wearing “boy clothes”.  How’s she going to react?  I’ll tell you how she reacts, because I’ve seen it happen time and time again on the playground.  She hears their criticism of her body or her style… and do you know what she does??  She shrugs her shoulders, 15 rolls her eyes, snickers, and walks away.  If I’m within earshot, she knows mama’s gonna be sitting on the sidelines with smoke coming out of my ears.  So she says to me, “Mama, don’t worry about it. They’re probably just having a bad day.” 

And that moment was captured on film!  

As I neared the end of my talk... I knew I had "nailed it".  I had made it through without a hitch, and I was GIDDY with excitement.  Just as I finished, like a blast of validation, my Style Sisters erupted out of their seats, and started a real life standing ovation!

And then, after I left the stage, the TEDx host asked Raisa to stand up for a round of applause. You guys, the place went bananas!  I came running back out on stage to see what was happening, and there was MY girl, getting her own ROARING STANDING OVATION!  

I was bawling.

It was absolutely sensational to see her standing there in the front row, being honored in such a powerful and uproarious way.

After my talk was over and I began making my way to the lunch area during the session break, I was absolutely shocked when men - by the dozens - approached me, tears in their eyes, and thanked me for sharing my story.  They told me they were tired of living inside the "man box".  They told me that they were done dressing the part of a lawyer, real estate man, engineer.  A number of them even told me - WHAT I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW IS NOT CONGRUENT WITH WHO I AM ON THE INSIDE!  

I heard and hugged many women too...  but it was the men that shocked me the most.  Because I work primarily with women, I thought I was going to be speaking to just half the audience.  But turns out, the message of Inside Out Congruency is a UNIVERSAL MESSAGE of humanity.  I had no idea.

AFTER

That night, I was zinging, having been told by dozens of attendees that my talk was THE TALK of the day.  I just... couldn't believe it.  I know that sounds braggy, and I don't mean for it to sound that way. But damn, it felt good to know that my story - Raisa's story - resonated with so many.  That's why I wanted to get on the TEDx stage in the first place!  

The next night, we went out to dinner, and just as we walked into the restaurant a woman yelled out - IT'S HER, IT'S HER!  I turned around, and the woman said - YOU'RE THE WOMAN FROM TEDx!  I WAS JUST TELLING MY FRIENDS ABOUT YOUR TALK!  I sat down at her booth, and she proceeded to tell me that my talk was her favorite talk of the day.  Then, her husband reached across the table, tears in his eyes, and told me that his whole life he's wanted to wear a kilt, but he never thought he could. He didn't think he could "get away with it".  He then declared - I AM GOING TO BUY MYSELF A KILT!  

There were tears all around.  Look how damn cute we are together!

In the days that followed... my emotions were up and they were down.  I mean... after being so HIGH, there was no place to go but down I suppose.

I felt like I did this BIG THING... now what? 

It unlocked desires inside of me that I didn't know existed.  I suppose it's true that once you step up to that growing edge and JUMP, there is a whole new world of wonder and possibility on the other side.  

I can see why they call them "growing pains". 

I felt disheartened... like my work-from-home, mom-of-two, rural-Vermont-life was too small to embrace such big dreams. 

And then my husband said to me...  "Stasia, it's clear something new inside of you has been unlocked - and I want you to know that you have my permission to flyyyyyy.  I'll hold down the fort."   

I'm paraphrasing here... his words were wayyy more eloquent then that, his voice shaky, his eyes filled with tears.  And I fell in love with him all over again.  And I cried.  A lot. 

So though I don't know what's next for me, I do know that when the next big thing comes my way, I can say YES.

This experience has been a really big important thing for me, and I want to thank you for all of your love, support, kindness, cheers, text messages, emails, EVERYTHING!  It was YOUR collective support that had me believe that I could do it.  

And it's a reminder that we can all do hard things, even if it's something we've never done before. Even if it seems out of reach.  Even if we think we're not there yet. 

OH!!  Rumor has it that all the talks from TEDx Portsmouth will be up on YouTube by next week. I'll email you the link as soon as it goes live.  I do hope you'll watch it, and then share it with your friends on social media.  That's how TEDx videos roll.  My video could be seen by 60 people.  600 people.  6000 people!  Hell, 60,000 people!  Fingers crossed.  

UPATE March 2020: My TEDx talk has been seen over 450K times. I still can’t believe it. Go ahead, give it a watch, tell me what you think, and SHARE IT WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

xo
Stasia  
 

Photo Credit goes to TEDx Portsmouth photographers: 
Kate + Keith Photography, Micayla Jean Photography, Michael Sterling Photography, Raya on Assignment